Fostering a Healthy Body Image in Your Pre-Teen and Teen (Part III):
Giving the Gift of a Healthy Relationship with Food

When Should I Talk to My Child About Body Development Change?

When you see your child’s body starting to change, talk about what’s happening! Don’t wait until your child starts to receive misinformation from others. When you and your child recognize these changes as normal and healthy -- even as exciting -- you can set the stage for emotional and physical health. In particular, make sure your child knows that weight gain is a normal, healthy part of becoming a young woman or man. (Are children embarrassed when you bring up these topics? Yes. But they’ll appreciate the information, because you’ll be addressing their own unspoken fears and concerns.)

In addition, take active steps to teach your children healthy ideas about food and eating. Here are effective strategies for giving children the gift of a healthy relationship with food and their bodies:

• Never portray any food as an enemy. Help your child to develop a natural, healthy relationship with food and eating. Educate your child about the health benefits of high-nutrition foods, but don’t place junk food completely off-limits. We crave what we can’t have, so a child who occasionally eats a cupcake or candy bar is much less likely to become overweight than a child who thinks that all tempting foods are taboo and thus obsesses about them. 

• Treat all family members equally with regard to food.  Never single out a child based on his or her weight.  Do not make different rules for different family members (e.g.; Johnny can have all the dessert he wants, but Sarah really should eat fruit instead).

• Teach your child to recognize hunger and satiation. Ask a young child things like, “How does your tummy feel right now? Is it hungry?” After a meal, ask, “Is your tummy really full?” Also, don’t make your child clean her plate -- a habit that train people to overeat. Instead, let her decide when she’s eaten enough.  A good rule of thumb: You decide what, when and where your child eats, while your child decides whether or not to eat, and how much to eat. Trying to control how much your child eats will backfire!

• Encourage “mindful eating.” Often, both kids and adults eat on autopilot. One way to increase your child’s awareness of her own hunger and how much she’s eating is to serve snacks in bowls rather than letting family members grab an entire bag of chips or box of cookies. This helps a child recognize when she’s full, instead of zoning out and eating the entire box or bag of food. Also, encourage your children to eat in the kitchen or the dining room. Another good rule of thumb: your entire family should make it a habit to avoid eating while watching television. 

• Beware of pressures from coaches. Kids involved in sports often experience pressure to lose weight, especially in activities like gymnastics, ballet, track, and wrestling.  This puts your child at greatly heightened risk for an eating disorder. If you sense that a coach or instructor is pressuring your child to diet, meet with the coach and explain that this is unacceptable to you.

If your child truly is overweight, and you’re quite sure that it’s not a temporary weight gain due to puberty or an emotional upset such as a divorce or death in the family, realize that “quick fixes” don’t work. Instead, make gradual and positive life changes (not just for your child affected by weight gain, but for your entire family) that will pay off over time. Here are the most important steps you can take to promote a healthy and adaptive relationship with food and body image, through normal development and for a lifetime

• Increase your child’s activity. If your child isn’t routinely physically active, plan regular family activities that involve movement; for instance, put up a basketball hoop or go on family bike rides. (But don’t present these activities as a way for your child to lose weight. Instead, offer them as something fun to do.) Also, reduce the amount of time your family spends watching TV -- one of the biggest culprits in weight gain. Put away the video games for the weekend, too.  

• Avoid tasteless, artificial diet foods. Instead, teach your child to enjoy and appreciate natural, well prepared and tasty foods -- whether they’re low in calories or carbohydrates or not. Your child will respond with satiety and stop eating on her own, when given the opportunity to eat delicious and nourishing foods in a setting which promotes mindfulness.

• Find a knowledgeable pediatrician. If your current pediatrician pushes a diet for your child, seek out a doctor who understands the impact of dieting and food restriction. Also, be sure this doctor rules out physical problems that can contribute to weight gain, such as sleep apnea (a surprisingly common problem in children) and thyroid conditions.

• Teach your child that his weight and his body size and shape aren’t the most important things about him. Involve your child in esteem-building activities that make him feel competent and proud of his abilities. (For example, foster an artistic talent by signing your child up for sculpture classes, or encourage his musical abilities by buying him a guitar.) Getting a teenager involved with a volunteer organization such as Special Olympics can also increase her activity level while helping her realize that there are more important things in life than how much a person weighs. It may seem strange, but taking your child’s mind off her weight is one of the best ways to help her become fit!

• Love your child unconditionally. Never bribe your child to lose weight, or say “You’d look so pretty in that dress if you lost a few pounds,” or say, “Look how good Kathy looks now that she’s thinner -- you could do the same thing.” Let your child know that you love her just as she is now -- absolutely and unconditionally. Don’t make critical comments about her current weight, and don’t lavish her with praise and presents if she loses weight. A child who realizes that her parents’ love doesn’t hinge on her weight is far less likely to sneak food and eat secretly -- a major contributor to obesity and emotional problems.

• Buy clothes that your child enjoys wearing, and that fit well.  It’s important that your child have access to attractive, well-fitting clothing that matches who she is. Make sure she has an adequate supply of clothes that fit. Try L.L. Bean and Land’s End for plus sizes. Don’t expose your child to a shopping trip to a store that doesn’t supply the clothing she needs. Remember that your developing child will be growing quickly, and you may need to invest more in clothing than you expected during developmental changes. 

None of these fixes will work overnight -- but unlike dieting, they almost always will work in the long run. More importantly, they will give your child self-confidence and the secure feeling that she’s loved and valued -- no matter what the scale says, and no matter how different she looks from the anorexic model on the cover of this month’s Vogue. That sense of self-esteem will do more to make her happy in life, and more to give her control over her weight and her health, than any diet could ever do.

See the FamilyIQ Courses: Adolescent Sexuality Issues, Fathers and Son Relationships, Nurturing Self-Esteem in Your Adolescent Daughter, Building Self-Esteem in Your Child. See the FamilyIQ Article, Identifying Your Child's 'Genetic Blueprint,' or why "My child looks like my Aunt Mary."

References:

Wendy Oliver-Pyatt, M.D. Fed-Up! The Breakthrough Ten-Step No-Diet Fitness Plan. McGraw-Hill, 2004.

Carolyn Coker Ross, M.D., M.P.H. Healing Body, Mind and Spirit: An Integrative Medicine Approach to the Treatment of Eating Disorders. Outskirts Press, 2007.

Authors:

Wendy Oliver-Pyatt, M.D. - Dr. Oliver-Pyatt is a Board Certified Psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of eating disorders. She is the founder of Oliver-Pyatt Centers, programs for the treatment of eating disorders in Miami and New York, and Center for Hope of the Sierras, a residential treatment program for eating disorders. She has appeared on national television and radio, speaking out on the destructive impact of dieting. She is the author of Fed-Up! The Breakthrough Ten-Step No-Diet Fitness Plan. She has served as the Medical Director for the State of Nevada Division of Mental Health and Disabilities, and is an Assistant Clinical Director of Psychiatry.

Carolyn Coker Ross, M.D., M.P.H. - Dr. Ross is a physician with over two decades experience in treating eating disorders. She recently completed a two-year fellowship in Dr. Andrew Weil's Program in Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona. Dr. Ross is the former Chief of the Eating Disorders Program at Sierra Tucson in Tucson, Arizona where she developed a unique Integrative Medicine approach to the treatment of eating disorders. Currently, she is the Medical Director at the Eating Disorder Center of Denver. Dr. Ross is a nationally known speaker, media consultant and author of two books, the most recent one is entitled: Healing Body, Mind and Spirit: An Integrative Medicine Approach to the Treatment of Eating Disorders.